"Tangible Things"
The decision to go forth was a process, and a story for another time perhaps. The actual implementation of the decision, the “unwinding” as mind calls it, has been an experience in itself. And in this context I'm not speaking of the mental and spiritual preparation that has ensued; I'm speaking of the sheer logistics of stepping away from the mainstream life of job, apartment, health insurance...
The decision to go forth was a process, and a story for another time perhaps. The actual implementation of the decision, the “unwinding” as mind calls it, has been an experience in itself. And in this context I'm not speaking of the mental and spiritual preparation that has ensued; I'm speaking of the sheer logistics of stepping away from the mainstream life of job, apartment, health insurance...
By middle class American standards I don't own very much; having spent the last few weeks letting go of the tangible (and intangible) things of this life, my own perspective says otherwise.
How does one decide what to keep and what to discard? How does one know what is truly important, which are the things that are really of value in this life?
When the decision first arose in mind it was framed as a gift from myself to myself of 1-2 years. The gift of time. The gift of full time practice. The gift of a time-out from the hamster wheel of the working world. In that scenario I would put all of my belongings (1 one bedroom apartment full of nice, new furniture) in storage. A neat, orderly life to be picked up where I left off.
And then, fairly quickly, it became clear that the aspiration is not for 1-2 years. The aspiration is for a new life. A new way of residing, in this world, but outside of it.
I've come to accept that if/when I need to reenter the workforce to earn money again I won't be walking back into a one bedroom apartment all for myself and a job with a fancy title (C-Level... ego liked that for a minute or two). I will be poor (in money - but rich in spirit). I will be finding a room in someone else's furnished apartment.
So let go the furniture... easy decision... feels right. Give what I can to friends who can use it, try to sell what I can to earn some money for the new life. But that's really just the beginning...
Most of us have so many things. Things we carry around from apartment to apartment. From year to year. From past self to future self without even thinking much about it.
I spent the better part of an entire weekend going though old “important” papers. Items that I had carried around for years. In some cases 25 years! So incredibly freeing to let it all go.
So blessed to live a mindful life. Because of this mindfulness practice “I” was present when emotion arose. And, “I” was present when emotion DIDN'T arise. Such a valuable experience to have awareness of the items which did NOT have emotion arise with their demise.
Such a powerful teaching about anicca (impermanence) that weekend was.
Sure, I wouldn't have expected much emotional residue from the 15 year old tax returns and bank statements. The surprise came in seeing that the old love letters had lost their power, lost their impact; that the performance reviews of jobs where I had worked so hard, tried so hard, gave so much of my time and energy meant nothing.
I had so much emotion when I was living these past experiences. Thought the relationships would last forever. Thought the work was imperative.
And it has all passed away of it's own accord.
What a release to be free of all of that. It wasn't simply paper that was shredded that weekend; it was loosening a series of tethers, releasing an anchor chaining this mind to the past.
