I Still Can't Believe It Myself

I am alone in a candle lit room.  The low rumble of thunder provides my “mood music”. Occasional flashes of lightning illuminate the Nepali Sky. With some frequency these days the feeling arises… This is unbelievable. The way I am living/have been living the past 1 ½ years is literally unbelievable, even to me and I am the one swimming in this stream of experience.

It seems impossible that I live a solitary life on the road, transitioning from one radically different environment to the next on an almost continual basis. I know no one who has a life lived quite this way. I have met no one in my travels (yet) who has gone this far, let go of this much. And I’m just coming to the heart of this phase of the journey. To the deepest, most uncharted place.

Over and over I have had faith, have let go inch by inch. Over and over, clearer understanding emerges about what this really entails. Learning just how many aspects of this journey require faith. Learning how much there is to let go of.

It is a truism that one really never knows what an experience will be like until it is actually experienced. Mind frequently thinks it knows, has expectations (subtle or obvious) about what an upcoming situation will look like, feel like. In all of this I have tried to limit my expectations, tried not to imagine what any of these situations would be like beforehand because I knew it would be impossible to do so. There is simply no frame of reference to rely upon.

After a long preliminary I have finally put myself in the set of circumstances to live life in semi-retreat for 7 months. For the past few weeks I’ve been transitioning into this phase, slowly entering a long period of quiet.  I am aware of the mental process of slowing down, it is going to require a long time.

In this mind a gigantic boulder of momentum rolls down a very steep hill. A lifetime of DOING. Thinking. Planning. I see resistance to simply being arise. Witness the subtle and not-so-subtle strain of a mind which is habituated to doing something, gradually accepting the fact there this is not about doing. There is nothing to do. There is simply each breath, each moment.

Each day is spent meditating 3 – 5 times per day, practicing pranayama 2-3 times per day, practicing asana  or an occasional hike instead and each day includes a period of devotional chanting.

And here’s where the faith HAS to arise again.  I truly do not know where this will lead, have no idea if it will lead anywhere. I have no idea how this will change “me”, but I know that somehow it will. When striving and goal orientation arise I see them and let them go as much as possible. This is not about striving, not about “getting somewhere”.

I’ve decided it’s best to simply see this as an experiment. Hmmm... what will happen if I keep this up for (what feels like at this moment) a long time? Will it produce some positive benefit for this self and for others?

To people who have not engaged in this type of practice, spending the day this way may sound easy. It is not.

It is often enjoyable, frequently peaceful. AND it requires self discipline, commitment, determination, curiosity, focus and a smattering of incredulity at the radical and somewhat daunting task I’ve set before myself. 

 I love this life, sitting alone, quietly in this candle lit space created just for me.