A Dedication of Merit - Thanksgiving Arrived Early This Year

There are times when I think what I’m doing is crazy (in the best possible way), times when I still can’t believe this journey is actually real, that I am fortunate enough to have all that is required to live way outside the proverbial lines.

 

That feeling arose last time I went to the storage unit I keep near the airport. There I was, a 49 year old woman, wearing my tattered cuffed $6 thrift store hoody, jeans that require a belt to prevent them from falling down, Target t-shirt and sneakers. Transitioning again from one place to the next, joy arose at how blessed I am to live this way by choice. 

As I’ve said before, this journey is a gargantuan leap of faith. Faith in the dhamma, faith in the Divine, faith in this self. I find it rather amazing how I, literally, always have exactly what’s needed. Part of this results from some level of clarity regarding the distinction between what is needed and what is wanted. Two very different things indeed.

Using my white, middle-class American upbringing as the measure, one could say I don’t need much in the material sense (sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag for the past 2 months comes to mind). On the other hand, many material things are needed every day; appropriate clothes to keep me cool on tropical Thai islands and warm in the coastal forest of Sonoma, the freedom that comes with reliable transportation and, as you all know, I do require quite a bit of food.

But in truth what I really need, aside from the unshakable aspiration to devote this life to the spiritual, is the extraordinary love and support I receive from my family and friends. The generosity that you’ve given is incredible and the profound gratitude I feel is genuinely inexpressible.

The experiences I’ve had the past 8 months are so varied; sometimes living far outside of my comfort zone, sometimes living in luxury, sometimes both simultaneously. Each transition from one radically different environment  to the next brings a certain disorientation, it’s not unusual to awaken in the night and have to think really hard to remember where I am and mind simply observes all this with amusement. 

The foundation of support received from those I love, and the reassurance that it is reciprocal, provides essential fuel for this journey. Feeling all of the wholesome wishes helps me be comfortable with the unknown and the sometimes uncomfortable. 

The emotional support coupled with the tangible support (the way some friends have opened their homes to me is such a big gift) helps make it possible for me to live a life of service (which is the only life I can live right now).

Buddhist scripture says that merit is essential if one is to gain rebirth into fortunate circumstance and ultimately escape the cycle of samsara (this birth and death existence we inhabit). Although merit is a well accepted truth in Eastern Buddhist cultures it has not been a significant topic in the teachings I’ve received from western lay teachers. 

I have been to many dhamma events where we dedicate the merit of our practice at the end of the session, but the teachers haven’t much explained merit or emphasized its importance. However, the monastics I’ve been studying with do stress the importance of merit, explain that each of us must accumulate merit through our words and deeds.

I contemplate merit with a bit of caution. I could see how it could lead to unwholesome intention if one were not clear about their motivations. I do what I do simply because I believe it is the right thing to do, not because I am trying to acquire anything. 

That said, I do believe in the wisdom, efficacy and truth of the Buddha’s teachings. Over and over, through direct experience, I see the truth in what I’m learning. So In this spirit, I dedicate whatever merit has been acquired through the service I’ve performed these past 8 months to all of you who have helped make it possible. If the Buddha is right (again) may this sharing of merit bring us all to freedom and liberation.

People, People, People OR The Buddha was Right… Again

One of the rules in the Vinaya (the Buddhist monastic code) prohibits Bhikkhunis/Bhikkhus from storing food.  At first glance, the rule made no sense to me. Sure there could have been a practical reason at the time of the Buddha, no refrigeration in a very hot climate, but this seemed like another of the rules that were anachronistic in the modern era.  Upon reflection, I see that the intention behind the rule is as wise today as it was 2600 years ago.

For the past 6 weeks I’ve been living in an “off-the-grid” Buddhist Monastic forest hermitage. As I’ve said before, the only thing that this makes this even 20^th century living is the ability to make fire on demand (and the trusty but slow satellite internet connection). 

The mind always seeks to normalize experience, it always attempts to achieve homeostasis. And so going to the bathroom outside, sleeping on the floor, waking up in the cold, having literally everything take more energy than it does “in the world” have become normal to me. 

The aspects about this experience that were very challenging at first are not a big deal anymore. I‘ve even reached détente with the food situation. Meager on occasion, plentiful rarely and generally not having quite as much to eat in a day as would be optimal.

What has been unwaveringly challenging, and will certainly remain so to the last, is being in community with the other people here. 

Living in a Buddhist monastic community has it own set of mores and cultural conventions. One would never allow anger to manifest into explicit behavior, subtle may slip out if one lets mindfulness slip, but a genuine display of anger would be really, really bad form. 

There have been numerous occasions when I’ve wanted to say to an individual here “honey you are really working my last nerve” and I must admit to once having had the thought “shut the F*** up!”. 

But, of course I restrained myself. Thought about compassion for the other person and myself, tried to think about the thing that was frustrating to me from a non-self point of view. And, as is one of the (3) characteristics of this existence, the frustration was impermanent and passed away (until the next time since I’m only human).

So what does all of this have to do with the genius of the prohibition on storing food?

The service experience immediately preceding this was a 30 day silent work retreat at the Forest Refuge in Barre, MA. For 30 days I had virtually no interaction with other people, I did have reaction to other people (the story of the woman I came to call “slow mo” in my mind is a blog entry for another day). The 30 days there were easy, breezy time. Outside of my 3-4 hours of service commitment each day my time was my own, my practice was my own, my world was my own.

And that’s the point…

Not having the ability to store food forces monastics to interact with other people; it precludes the ability to live as a true hermit and to give in to the temptation (which can become rationalization) that solitary practice is allowing for such deep states of meditation and insight that there is no need to interact with others.

But, what I’ve found is that it is exactly this interaction that causes the uncomfortable but oh so beneficial friction. THIS is where the practice is. 

Being with the discomfort,  practicing kushanti paramita (the perfection of patience and forbearance), cultivating  metta (loving-kindness) and compassion is most effectively done in relation to others; precisely because they drive us crazy!

So, the Buddha was right, again.

Now if only someone could explain the modern day reasoning for allowables (the only sustenance allowed to be consumed after the mid-day meal) being solely cheese, chocolate and sugar he’d be “batting 1000” in my book.

Tired - Schmired

I've been watching annoyance as a result of tiredness arise the past few days; interesting since I see it as part of the practice, part of the process.

The interesting part is watching my inner reactions (because I don't allow inner annoyance to manifest in external behavior). I know that it is completely up to me to set a boundary and say I need to rest this afternoon instead of working more.

It's also very useful to have the ability to simply not take the annoyance seriously. Too just see it, know that it is felt but also know that it's just because I'm tired and there's no need to get caught up in it.

As it turns out, the other lay person is also wiped out today so we decided to not do a second work period today (hence the time to write). 

I am not used to living in community, not used to this lifestyle (the living outdoors, everything takes effort lifestyle) and see that there is so much work to do here that, if I allow it, I would get totally burned out by the volume of tasks expected to be done by the lay people.

Luckily there is another long term lay resident here who is incredibly hardworking and competent. Most times there is only one steward and I have heard they get totally fried; I now understand why.

Yesterday was a "work day for visitors" and also a board meeting; this only occurs a few times a year. What that meant was a bunch of people arrived for the day and that essentially translated into more work to be done to accommodate them.

On the upside, one of the people who showed up was a very strong and kind dyke who carried A LOT of heavy  lumber up the steep hillside to the site where we are building a platform on which I'll be the first to live.

My nascent construction skills have improved to the point where I'm heavily involved in the project (you really do learn quickly here). 2 days ago Ayya S. designed the platform, drew it out, and told me how to assemble all the "puzzle pieces" as I think of them.

Then I sawed all the wood into the correct lengths with the circular saw and Ayya S drilled pilot holes where necessary and fastened plates to a few of the boards.

Yesterday the other layperson, the kindly dyke and a young college student who will be here for 2 weeks hauled all the lumber, tools and misc supplies to the site. Then I used timber screws and the drill to assemble the frame. At the end of the week we'll continue working on/finish the project. 

Much detail about this I know, but I am amazed. Literally 2 weeks ago I couldn't pound a nail or use a drill. Yesterday I used a circular saw, drill, hammer and knew what to do when Ayya S. said I'd have to "snap a line". Had I not been busy making the mid-day meal for the community I would have also had a chainsaw lesson!

And so this is why I don't take the annoyance or the tiredness seriously...

Because what I'm learning here is so remarkable...

Learning tangible skills

Being with the experience of my "self" being truly committed to the concept of selfless service in the abstract and (sometimes) feeling annoyance and resistance to actually doing it in reality

Learning how hard/how far to push myself without going too far

Mary, We Are Not In San Francisco Anymore OR Life In A Forest Hermitage

Everything here is good... 

Beautiful forest, babbling creek, clean air, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Blogging from Aranya Bodhi's "internet cafe" (that's a joke), I'm sitting outside the "sangha trailer" which functions as the library, shrine in cold weather and office where the satellite router is.

I'm adjusting to this new way of living. And it is a new way of living; not the same as living in the city. It all takes a lot more time and energy...

To get from my kuti to the central area where the kitchen trailer and yurt (round canvas structure which functions as the shrine room) is a 20 minute walk. 75% uphill on the way to the kuti.

Simply washing up and brushing teeth requires water, which must have been carried in to the kuti in advance, and sometimes heating.

Laundry (did my first batch today) is a sink, some soap and your hands. More useful experience from my time in Thailand ;)

Cleaning up after the mid-day meal (the only full meal of the day) takes awhile; lots of dishes and a small sink to wash them in, plus the extra step of a bleach rinse after the regular wash and rinse. Then compost needs to be carried to the compost pile; about 50 yards away from the kitchen trailer, again a portion of which is uphill.

I'm sleeping soundly in my sleeping bag on the floor of the kuti; I have a pad underneath. It's funny... since I've had the experience in Thailand of sleeping on bare wood this actually seems comfortable.

The kuti is dry and cozy, although pretty cool because it's in the woods. No sunlight hits the kuti directly so it's often a little warmer on the porch then inside. Everyday I've learned something new (some thingS, plural actually); day before yesterday's accomplishment was making a fire in the little stove in the kuti where mice live in the chimney when there's no fire burning.

It was pretty cool and having the ability to make the kuti warm; which was relatively simple, was quite reassuring. I cut some wood yesterday so I have a 2 fire stockpile on the porch ready to go when I need it. Yesterday was warmer so didn't need a fire.

The temperature is incredibly variable here. When you're in a sunny spot it is HOT but walk, literally a few yards into the trees, and I need a few layers and a hat. There's a thermometer by the kitchen trailer, I think it was 40 degrees when I looked at it about 6:30 yesterday morning.

My tool shed construction project is going well; it's really enjoyable and satisfying. Yesterday and today we completed the installation of the floor; which entailed cutting some 4x8 wood panels, gluing them to the platform (until we ran out of glue) and then using a drill to screw the boards into the platform. Yesterday's something learned in the construction department was how to "snap a line". And my drill skills are progressing nicely...

Tomorrow we're going to install a wall. But as things go here, nothing is quite so simple. First I'll have to get up on a ladder and saw off some tree branches that are in the way of the walls-to-be. So perhaps tomorrow will just be preparing to build a wall. Ayya S. is inside the sangha trailer watching a video on youtube to learn how to build the wall. This life is the definition of a "D.I.Y." existence.

One of the things that arose in mind when I knew that I needed to go on this journey was that I wanted to challenge myself; wanted to test my limits and see where they were. Being here is another way that is occurring. In just under a week I see that I CAN do this for 2 months; WANT to do this for 2 months; will feel an incredible sense of accomplishment after 2 months.

I cracked myself up this morning (as I do at least once a day)...

I offered some coffee from the Castro Coffee Company to the sangha when I arrived. The woman who makes the morning meal (oatmeal, nuts, a little fruit) has been making coffee but trying to make it last so was cutting the coffee with Folgers. This morning she said "the coffee is 100% Castro". My reply... 

"If the coffee was 100% Castro it would be served to me by a man in ass-less chaps!"

Mary, we are not in SF anymore :)

Thoroughly Modern Yogi OR 2 Days in Bangkok

This moment is what is  called “worlds colliding”. I am happily sitting on the deck of the Ratcha Ferry bound for Koh Phangan and my silent retreat at Wat Kow Tham. Typing what will become a blog entry on a tiny laptop as the calm, green blue waters slide by. The modern era technology of laptop and blog; the 2500 year old tradition of silent mediation retreat on the other end of this ferry ride.

I’m fairly certain today is Saturday and have been en route essentially since leaving SF at midnight on Monday; feels like I’ve traveled a long distance and I’m not quite “there” yet.

In one way being here is a culture shock, but really not that much. I’ve been soliciting information and opinion about traveling/practicing  over the past months.  A woman I met who has gone forth for a 3^rd time, and has spent time traveling and practicing alone in Asia, told me that Thailand was a good entry point. She said that it was accessible, that it would be different from the US of course but not so completely foreign as to be a hard place to start (like India would be).

Having navigated myself through Bangkok for 2 days and then 400+ miles to the south by train and ferry, my initial impression is that she was right. It is different of course but it is also the same… People take taxis and buy train tickets and stay at hotels. All the traveler logistics function the same way. And the train, the bus to the ferry and the ferry all followed their schedules on time.

I will say that (since it’s early in my travels) every time I actually get to where I am attempting to go it feels like an accomplishment. Whether a tuk tuk ride to the train station or a bus to a ferry; successfully getting myself where I want to go is quite a satisfying feeling. Particularly since almost every time I am communicating my intentioned destination in Thai.

My first 2 days in Bangkok were interesting and fun.  I felt surprisingly awake after the 20 hours of travel and have not experienced any significant jet lag. Thanks Denise for telling me about adjusting my liver and eating schedule in advance!

The first day I arrived at the guest house about 2:00 and just wandered around the neighborhood where the guest house was located. Taking in the sights, stopped by a Wat (as I mentioned in my earlier post) and figured out how to feed this vegetarian self.

Bangkok “food vendors” are all over the streets. Carts with open flames, big pots boiling, piles of meat in bags (no refrigeration), items that I can’t begin to identify all on display. Fresh juice in little plastic bottles, little tiny bananas roasting on open flames in their skins and the occasional selection of fruit.

I saw a man carrying 2 large round flat woven baskets on either side of his back via a long pole over his shoulders. On the flat baskets were eggs in their shell. As I got closer I noticed that there were coals underneath the baskets cooking the eggs as he was walking down the street. Ok, that is different from what I’m used to seeing.

I was really hungry and needed to eat by the time 4:30 arrived. Since I am 100% committed to not eating any animals,  (including no fish sauce) and not being able to identify a good portion of the food that was available on the street, my first Thai meal was  a little challenging. 

I saw a “restaurant” that had a sign in English “vegetarian” (which I did not yet know how to say in Thai). There were about 6 pots of food, completely unidentifiable to me, some fried items (again, who knew what they were) and a tray of what looked like peppers stuffed with kong (Thai for “something”).  I asked the woman behind the counter “khun po passa anglik die mei ka” (do you speak English). Mei ka (nope) was her relpy. 

I pointed at the stuffed things and said “vegetarian” and she nodded assent. But having just landed and being a tad spacey I just wasn’t ready to take a chance that there’d still be fish sauce in it so I kept walking.

A few minutes later I found a cart that had lots of meat but also lots of veggies and a woman had a big pan to stir fry things. I pointed to each meat and each fish and said “mei” then pointed to each veggie and said “ka” (yes). For 55 bhat (about 2 dollars) I sat outside in this little alley by a canal and had my first, excellent 100% vegetarian Thai meal.

Right after that I walked to Wat Suthat where I had a sweet encounter with some Thai school girls. As I said in the other post, the Wat was quiet and pretty empty. As I wandered the courtyard 2 girls who were about 12 years old, in white and blue school uniforms reminiscent of the US navy, said shyly in English “Excuse me, can we talk to you?”

I smiled and stopped, said I’d be happy to talk to them. The bolder of the two explained that they had a school project where they were supposed to speak to a foreigner, could they please explain something in English to me? 

Going back and forth twittering between themselves in Thai and speaking in English to me,  the bolder girl told me about an attraction in the city that was clearly a speech they were supposed to learn how to say. Then she asked how well she spoke, did she do ok? Actually her English was excellent and I told her so. 

Kong stuffed peppers still fresh in memory, I said “Hey! Maybe you can teach me something!” 

I told them about being Buddhist and vegetarian and needing to learn what to say. They taught me to say “Mong sa we lot” my new favorite Thai phrase. I wrote it down in English so I’d remember and then she wrote it down for me in Thai. I’ve been successfully saying it all over the place to the often surprised looking people preparing my meals.

As it turns out, after a long and enjoyable 2^nd day in Bangkok I found myself back at the vegetarian restaurant where after verifying that really, it was a vegetarian restaurant, I had some excellent yellow curry for about $2.

Is Buddhism Here Buddhism There?

From my point of view, there is a dryness in the way Buddhism is being transmitted in the West, a focus on the cerebral.

In 12 years I have never heard a Dharma talk on devotion, never heard a Dharma talk about service. And these are aspects that have become vital to the way I walk the path.

After 12 years of study and practice I know nothing about the Buddhist holidays. What are they? When are they? What is their purpose, the symbolism behind them? And until now it never occurred to me to research them because they simply do not seem part of my Buddhist American life.

One of the things I’m most curious about in this visit to Thailand is how Buddhism manifests in a different cultural context. Is it a different experience in a place where there is an inextricable link between the culture and the religion, where there is a tight bond between the monastic community and lay society.

I arrived in Bangkok 2 days ago and took a walk near the guest house in the hours before I hit the jetlag wall. I happened  upon a big (by my current standard) Wat (temple complex) called Wat Suthat a few blocks from the guest house. This was not one of the well known Wats I’d read about or noticed on the tourist maps. Just one of many, many Wats in the city.

Because it was not a tourist spot it was relatively empty and quiet. There was an open courtyard and a gallery surrounding a central shrine building. The gallery was essentially a recessed area, covered overhead but open to the air, in which a hundred or more full sized golden Buddha statues resided, all facing outward toward the courtyard and the shrine.

About 8 monks were assisting, i.e. veritably carrying, a very old and frail monk out of the shrine. I stood back and bowed in the way that I think is correct in the Thai Theravadan tradition; palms together with thumbs against the forehead. Wondered what they thought of this rare western woman making this gesture (I’ve not seen a lot of westerners in Bangkok and only 2 or 3 other western women alone).

I had entered the shrine from the back entrance and as I walked toward the front door came across my first really big Buddha statue. It was of course the central feature of the shrine. A golden image of the Buddha sitting on a lotus; I’m not great at estimating size but I suspect it was at least 20 feet tall.

I paid homage in the way I learned from the bhikkhunis; kneeling on your heels with your butt NOT sticking up in the air, hands in prayer, bow 3 times (to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha) touching the head to the floor each time.  Noticed that more them half of the people who entered also paid homage in this way; the others did not bow at all.

I spent some time meditating and then some time contemplating. 

Contemplating this huge icon, the ornately painted walls with scenes that I do not understand, the long line of golden Buddhas in the gallery, the saffron robed monks, and this self sitting there. Actually being there in this world so far away.

Literally shook my head in disbelief (as I’ve done a number of times these past 2 days in Thailand, this past 7 months in the US). 

Wondering…

How did I get here??? (here Thailand, here this journey). How is it that this self is open to this search for the divine? What, if anything, will be found on this journey?

It occurred to mind that one creates ornate imagery in such large scale to attempt to make accessible that which cannot be understood; to ascribe name and form to the divine. And when I think in those terms it makes the search acceptable to this mind.  And intellect allows that which spirit demands.

All The Mumbling Worked!

Eleven.  I would like to have lunch at the Sea Fah restaurant. Do you know where Sukomvit Road is? Two in the afternoon!

For over 6 months I’ve been wandering the streets of San Francisco mumbling unintelligibility in Thai. Almost every morning as I’d make my way to BART to go to work I’d take a Thai lesson on CD. “Pimsleur Thai, the world’s most effective language method” promised the man with the sparkling English accent. 

I know that the journey that I’m on cannot simply be for the benefit of this self alone, this is very clear. It occurred to mind that if I could learn Thai I could be of use at meditation centers in Thailand. It seems from the outside that more and more westerners are going to Thailand to attend retreat. It also seems that there are not a plethora of English speaking people at some the retreat centers. So I decided it would be a good idea to attempt to learn Thai. 

I do not know if I have “an affinity for language” as a few people have asked me. I put a minimum of effort into learning Spanish when I was in high school, learned a little German when I backpacked through Europe in 1987 and that was it.

My attitude in learning Thai has been to approach it differently from the way I have previously undertaken most tasks (which is to put in a lot of effort and try very hard to get it right). In this I employed the new way I’m starting to inhabit the world, i.e. calmer about everything. So I just listen to the CD, repeat the phrases and relax about it.  Treat it like a fun brain teaser puzzle, like a game. 

And as I’d walk around I’d think about how someday before too long I would actually be walking the streets in Thailand saying these things in context. Well some of them anyway… 

There is virtually no chance that I will say “Sam mee dichon u ti nown ka” (My husband is over there) or “Dichon kaw bier song kua” (May I please have 2 bottles of beer?)

The interesting thing is the way that mind chose to learn (I say it this way because it was not a deliberate strategy to learn this way). What happens when I listen is that I hear the word and mind sees it phonetically. So I hear the sound and mind “sees” sigh gwah nan di mei ka (literally -  more late that, can it be?). Then, when I try to remember how to say “Later then that ok?” mind sees the phonetic words.

  

As I type this I’m sitting on a train traveling from Bangkok (Thai’s call it Glug Teb) to Surat Thani en route to Koh Phangan to attend a 10 night meditation retreat. Having just spent 2 days in Bangkok I was stoked to have numerous interchanges in Thai where I was understood; and I understood their, admittedly simple, responses.

Although I knew they would speak English at the information booth at Hua Lumpong train station I had this interchange in Thai with the info woman:

Me: hello, tomorrow I’d like to go to Surat Thani. Where can I buy a ticket?

Info woman (referring to the bank of 20 cashier windows): 15 – 20

Me: thank you

I negotiated a tuk tuk ride (3 wheeled open air taxi) to Hua Lumphon train station. The following conversation was all spoken in Thai between myself and the tuk tuk driver:

Me: Hello. I’d like to go to Hua Lomphong. How much do I have to pay?

Driver: 100 bhat

Me: That’s too expensive. How about 50 bhat?

Driver: 70 bhat

Me: ok, 70 bhat. Thank you.

I climbed in and he laughed out loud and said in English, you speak Thai really well. 

<English accent speaking> Pimsleur Thai, the world’s most effective language method.

 Indeed!!